09-08-1996: Pool Party

Today was the back to school party. One girl, I'm not sure who, the first one I saw asked me if I was a friendly guy. "I guess so," I said. She was cute. I felt pangs of guilt every time I thought that. There are two girls so far that I am kind of interested in. Johanne, a short freckled faced brunette w/ shoulder length hair. I thought she was cute (pang!). The other, I'm not sure of her name, but she was a small brunette w/ hair a little longer. She was a little smaller, and thinner. She too was cute (pang!).
-Conflicts-
I am feeling more positive about myself ever since I believe Shawna started liking me. I thought she was the most wonderful person I knew. Now, and since sixth grade, I could look at her and say, "She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." I do like her... A lot. But I would like to see her more often. Once every 2 - 3 weeks won't do. In 6th grade, I slapped myself every time I looked at a girl anywhere but in the face, and I still do that. Other guys think it's weird. I just think it's rude too look at women in inappropriate places. Anyway, I need to find out soon whether Sienna likes me or not, and Fret about it.
If she does, then I'm happy, and depressed about not being able to see her.
If she doesn't then put a fork in me I'm done! I'll be depressed, confused as hell, and free to try to win over Johanne or that other girl.
Unfortunately I don't think I have much chance. After all, they are cute, and can have anyone they want, so I'm pretty much emotionally screwed.
(Oh, how I shall learn from this!)
I want to learn more about Johanne and the other girl, though I kinda like Johanne better. (I think I like them because my Ideal of what a woman looks like is as follows -
Shorter than me. Long, brown hair. (Cough)st size doesn't matter, although huge ones I don't like. And a beautiful face. The face is the most important part of a woman's appearance. To me, at least. (Shawna fits ALL of these well. + I like her personality, although she's horrible w/ returning my calls. I think she's wonderful... or do I?