10-21-1996

My mom's B-day. Yeah. Today was sickly depressing. In english, I was so afraid at the thought of reading anything I almot cried. I was forced to stand up in front of class, and show Mr. Garfield how insecure and scared I was. I didn't have to read my thing, but It was scary none the less.
About an hour ago, I was as depressed as I've been in a long time. Thinking how pointless life is, how I won't make a difference, and that I wanted it over with. It brings me to tears to think that I wanted it over. Over. No more. How cold. How Horrible. It makes me sad. Will I ever be as happy as I was in 7th grade? Probably not. It was false happiness. It wasn't fate. It had to end. I am supposed to be miserable. There is noone out there for me. At least not at Prep. I want to stay away from Beth. I don't want her to know me. If she knows me, she'll hate me too, like all the others.
She didn't like me as much as I liked her. That was my fault. couldn't be any more my fault. She never liked me. I thought she did, she put on a hell of a show for 5 months! damnit all to hell. I wish she... I don't know. I wish nothing. 14 years of nothing. damn.
Claire was saying how she took an attitude test, and she was in teh middle. She sait that she would be the bitchiest of bitches in about a year. I cry. I like claire. I don't want her to be like them. She is a wonderful girl, nice, talented. Bitch isn't her, but it could be. I can't let it. But what can I do? I cry. My throat is soar. No Claire. No. Anything but that. Don't do it. Care. People love you. I love you. Don't do it. Please. Of course it falls upon deaf ears, as it hasn;t been said. I truly hope she doesn't become a bitch. I think my life stinks. It feels like it won't get better, It has sucked for 6 weeks, a lot longer than I'm used to.
Bath-Time. ::sigh::