10-03-1996 Turned Down for the Dance

Damn. This Sucks. Although Homecoming is 17 days away, I decided to ask early and get it over with.
"Um. I don't think so." she said. She didn't say it wth the intent to hurt me, but she said it like she meant it. Oh Fuck it!! Noone will like me. I'm ugly, I'm a coward, I'm lame, I say stupid things.
Why did I ever think she might say yes?
She's over there right now, talking to some guy. She's outside school, in that place behind the fence, in front of the tree that I so rarely see her in. Damn... My life just lost a hell of a lot of meaning. I feel like wearing as much clothes to school as possible. Damn. Since the first moment my gaze turned to her beautiful, baby blue eyes, I have been pretty much captive. Now set free, I long for the shelter and hope that captivity brings.
Like desert, with the last tumble weed blowing away. that is how I feel.
-at home 30 minutes later-
"but I do like you." I understand it all now. Mr. Garfield says girls don't like hurting guys. looking at shawna, it's apparent. Looking at Johanne, it isn't obvious. ::sigh:: Wheras the comment from the twisting labrynth mouth of shawna isn't very welcome, any words of comfort from her would be eagerly accepted. ::sigh:: Starving for appreciation, yearning for acceptance, I'm slowly dying.
"Hearts and thoughts they fade. fade away." -Pearl Jam.
-or Live.
I'm sure I'll get over it, but as the fourth week draws to a close, and I am shut out by a drawstring pulled tight, I wonder: It can always get worse. It may be another 4 crap weeks before it gets better. I believe it took me over a Year to get over shawna the first time, and that started all over the next time I saw her. ::sigh:: Life Sucks.