09-24-1996 Confronting Shawna

What's wrong with me? I'm pretty sure I like johanne again, and I want to stabilize. JUST ONE. Why 2? (actually I'm in love with one, and I like the other (that's a contradiction in terms. I'm in love with Shawna, but it kind of hides it's self If I don't see her for a while. I think it's because every time I see her, I get more evidence against her liking me.)) Now I want to call Shawna. I get butterflies in my stomach even thinking about telling her how I feel, and I know it must be done, preferably before the dance on friday, and before Johanne gets a date. I don't like her as of this second, but. ::sigh::.
I want this to end. Oh well, Shawna's not home. Oh, wait, yes, she just called me back. Oh, nope, she's gonna call me later (uh huh, right).
Oh yeah, today was teh first Drama Club meeting. The fall play is The Hollow by Agatha Christie. A Murder Mystery.
Well, Shawna's on the line as I write. ::sigh::
Well, I just made the announcement to shawna. I'm still confused as hell, she said she wasn't ready for a commitment, blah, blah, but she had to finish it off with "But I do like you."
WHat The Hell? Now, I'm still confused as hell, and I'm so confused. Shawna is so, so, so, so - confusing.
Why can't she give me a straight answer? I know what she means, I think, but I want to hear her say "I just like you as a friend." Is that so hard? Damn, teh female I'm in love with doesn't like me back. well, when Johanne says no about the dance, I'm gonna break, crack, cry, and whither up and die inside. I got my F#!@ hair cut, damn. I wish it was long again. Women don't really think I'm cute, they just think I'm weird. Shoot me in the kneecap. Stick a fork in me I'm done.
::sob::
Hmm. What if she says yes? That doesn't even mean she likes me. ::sob::