10-30-1996

Today was the spider caves. It was a lot of fun. When we got out, I had to pee, so I climbed up on a rock, stood as away from people as I could get and tried to go. Unfortunately, it wasn't far enough, and people realized what I was doing and began to laugh. I couldn't go. That was my day.
I am having another episode. It's just beginning. The feeling of loss, emptiness, and the overall numbness to others is overbearing. I can't stand it. I'm a different person when I'm depressed. I currently feel as if there is nothing in my life to look forward to.
-sandy just came in. Jaime (sp?) wants to break up w/ guy, and Guy really likes her. Skip just cursed at me. I feel like breaking down. I am. Dammit. He's speaking sternly to me. I am going to cry.
example.- All the guys in guy's cabin want him to kiss her. He says no, it's got to be the right atmosphere. Damn. He likes her. I feel so sorry for him. Life. What a foul card. I want to go home. I want to talk to someone. I want someone to tell me that I'm cute. I want someone to tell me that they care. I want someone to hug. I want someone to love. I want. Me. Me. Me. Gimme. Gimme.
Cry. ::sigh::
Skip is all P.O.ed. I feel bad. I feel bad for everyone.
Damn it. I'm so pissed off at Skip. He's feeling really bad.sharpening his knife. chanting. Complaining. saying how his life was shit since his birth. Damn. This makes me worse. I feel at fault. ::sob::
Skip kicked me out. Claire thinks she's an asshole. What's wrong with this world? I say screw the night hike. I want melissa. cry
I am so miserable. I sit in this crammed phonebooth, which has no door or windows, I might add, and write. My nose drips. A tear falls. The rain goes pitter patter. Life goes on, whether I'm holding on or not. I want to go home. But if I did, I'd feel like I was running away. Which I am.
My best friend is an asshole. I've never said that before. I seriously think something is seriously wrong with Skip. I feel sad for him. Is that why I stay with him? No, I actually like him. Even though I find his presence annoying. He just kicked me out. These thoughts are biased, and therfore null and void. Why me? I've been good. I've been kind. I've loved all manner of creatures, and objects. this proves there is no god. Maybe if there is, he is the mean and spiteful one of the Old Testament.
Claire walked by. She said "Oh, hi dan. I know you're upset." I want someone to hug me, and tell me everything will be alright. there is noone to say that.
Me. Me. I've been good. I've been a wonderful person. Why does this happen to me.
claire is pissed off. depression is a virus. I started it. I am at fault. It is me.
Nui just said "OOOh! I hate people. People suck!" The virus. virus. virus. I am infester, I am a germ pit. They feed on my compassion, dulling it. They feed on my laughter, stifling it. They feed on me. I am not who I am. Or, am I who I am, but Just learned that. What happened to make me like this? Why does All This happen to me?
a hug. A hug. No hug. Ho hug.
huggies! huggies! huggies!
Noone.
Nothing.
Never.
No.
I want to go home. But not to that Drafty old barn we live in. Home is with Terry, and Sandy, and lady, and my small, blue room, with the giant bay westward windows. Home is burning.
I think people are calling me to go on the hike. I don't want to go. I hope they are calling me. I should go.
Mental distress.
...after Night Hike...
well, I was just on the night hike. It sucked. we learned useless crap that I've already forgotten. Skip skipped it. I suppose he was under mental distress. He too had a break down. I feel sorry for him.
This phone booth (yes, I came back) smells liek cigarettes. I don't care.
Well, Jaime broke up with Guy. I think that sucks more than anything I can imagine. Why is life like this? Why does it suck so much? Why do I believe that Skip is a total wacko? I believe everything he's told me is B.S. I feel alone. Empty. There is noone I can talk to. Noone. Claire thinks she's an asshole, is biased to the opinion of an asshole. Ethan is with Justin and chris Ahn, and we aren;t that close anyway. I ahve Noone. My sister, well, I have 3 minutes on my calling card. I can't talk to her. god damnit.
"Life is beautiful, life is great. Thank you god, for another beautiful day."-unknown.
I want to go home. I don't want to go to the cabin. Sarah wonders why I'm in this phone booth. I told her the truth. I'm writing in my journal, and I don't want to be in my cabin.
Damn it. Thank you God!?! I have no faith! I don't believe in god.
Save me. Rescue me. I am drowning. It's pulling me down.
It's cold. I'm wet. I need to be away from Skip. He scares me. He's a mean person. cry
I with I was home.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I could fix everyone's problems.
That's what I was. I was/am here to make people happy. that has always been my role. but what happens when the Jester no longer Jests?
He gets fired. what's gonna happen to me?
I want.
Me. Selfish.
It's cold and wet.
In, it's warm, dry, harsh, horrible. I might sleep out here. Yeah. I wish.

I am a hipocrite. I'm 14! who cares? I'm thinking about god. I'm an atheist! Ther eis no god! I think I believe that to believe is gos is a sign of weakness.
I SUCK.
Noone in my grade cares about me.
Skip doesn't like me anymore. Probably never did. (what does this mean? I know it's wrong.)
I'm never going to have a girlfriend.
Skip is probably going to kill himself.
I want it all to go away. to Leave me. No Skip. No girls, No hostilty. No depression.
It's cold, and wet.
I suck. Save me. Save me.
shawna probably didn;t really like me either.
::sigh::
-end it all
well, I'm in my cabin, Skip and I are both pissed. I hope. I truly hope tomorrow doesn;t suck.
-uh huh.