01-10-1997

Today is OK. not as goos as yesterday, orthe day before, adn I realize now, when I was most wishing to be a Changeling, a pooka, ideally, I was. Care free, happy, innocent. Oh well, it's gone now. I was Happy. Happy in teh best way possible, when one doesn't know one is Happy. ::sigh::
I'm blabbling, 'cause i've got nothing to write.
I'm in study hall on friday morning.
ok. bye.

Oh god, I can't stand Skip. He is hanging out w/ eun & Elizabeth, who are selling drinks. He belches and scares away customers. It's so embarassing to be with him. RRgh.

It won't give it, It wants me dead, this noise inside my head. -NIN
Peopel get lynched because of their race.
-later at home-
Oh my god. Claire was molested. molested. when she was very young. molested. oh my god. When I heard, It completely ruined my day. I feel shocked, empty, I don't know, I want to cry. I want to go get who ever did it to her. I want to find out if it's true. I heard it from Nui, adn Kerrie. Oh my god. I feel so bad. So empty. So nothing. It's horrible. I can't think. I want to cry. I have other things to say.
I told Katie R. my problem, (I get angry/ Jealous/ spiteful toward myself) when ever a girl checks out a guy, because I'm actually convinced that NO girl has ever checked me out, and thought I was cute.
Katie replied very carefully, because she was afraid she'd screw up, but once she'd told me that, she already screwed up. Oh well, she could have done worse. She supplied example that the guys she goes for aren't exactly Prom Kings (A.k.a. Not Pretty) and she is a firm believer that there is someone for everyone.
Basically put: you aren't cute, but there has got to be someone out there who will take you.
the thing My Psychologist says, is that asking a girl out is a big compliment. that makes them feel good. I see katie. I see Emo. I see Michele. They all seem that if someone, Anyone asked them out, they would be very happy. they might not go out, but they would be happy.
I tried it. Twice. Both resulted in a turn down w/o even an apology or a thankyou.
I hate my life.
The call Shawna was waiting for was from a boy. This guy Eric, who she hasn't seen in a long time.
I hate my life.
I feel so empty. so dead. I want to curl up, cry, and die. I've got zoo tomorrow. 4 Iceskating. I want to get away from this pain.
.cry.
No, I don't think so .cry.
I hate life. I don't want to die... yet. I probably will soon. I am SO ALONE.
.cry.
::sigh::

11-20-1996

Well, it's english. I'm still sick, and I have Dr. Gero tonight. I have History test next. I have nothing really to write about. I'm going to make Celery Celebration webpage. Skip is waving his arms around lamely to the music. I'll just ignore it.
Celery Celebration. Ok. um, the webpage is very simple, and I'm not sur eit will work. I want to have music. Hmm. perhaps an animated .Gif of confetti falling. I doubt I can do it. w/ The webpage editor it would be easy, but it doesn't have those options. That I know of. I have nothing to write. I want to go home. I would feel guilty if I did. Ok. That's all.

Ok. I went to my Shrink. Guess what? Wrong. Jason was there. Seeing Dr. Gero! Cool huh? well, he says that All I need is self confidence. Which means Stop telling myself "Oh yeah, he's that lameass." Jokes. I can do that. I also had that talk w/ Skip. I told him how I can't stand to see him belittled, and how he is the most annoying person I know. Well, I left that last part out, but also told him what I liked about him, and It seemed like a good thing. but in class he behaved exactly the same. No changes. It was really hard for me to say, and It fels like he ignored me.
After school, at Play Practice, well, actually it was during P.E. Beth said her friend Coral wanted to meet me. Why do girls' friend swant to meet me? is it because I seem like a great guy, but when they meet me they see I'm missing something? (self confidence?) Well, I'm going to focus on my self confidence from now until I forget. That's the road out of my depression. I think I'm in one of those moods where I feel I see clearly but I'm not. I see hazy, through fog, and I'm not super happy. Oh well. Hmm. I would like to take Beth out. I want to get to know her better. Hmm. I kind o would liek to ge tmy nose pierced..
well, maybe not. they don't look too good unless your face is already riddles w/ so many holes that it doesn't make a difference.
I...I...I'm scared. I really want to learn more about Beth, but I'm afraid. Perhaps I should talk to Katie or Heather about it. find out if I have a chance. Dr. Gero says she'd be flattered. Johanne certainly wasn't. But thinking now, I see no reason for her to say no, except that's what I thought about Johanne. Bitch. 10 weeks ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of saying such a thing, even if I knew what she would do. I guess it's Just because she made everything worse. Everything. But there is always room fo rimprovement.
This optimism is wonderful. But it's Palled, because I know it will be gome, and I will be same old me. I am (as of this instant 11:15) going to try to keep my self confidence up. Thiking of what Heather did, I get sad. Should I tell her? would it make her go away? I don't know. Couldn't hurt. Well, it might hurt her. I'll try to make -
-Happy.

11-19-1996 Celery Celebration!

Stage Manager my ASS! I'm a fuckign Gofer! Get me some Brads. Get me that tub of water. Get me some paint, wash these brushes. And the actors have the day off, so I'm basically alone. Beth alsays tells me how Hot Chris Omally is. DAMN IT! They said I would be as hot as Chris O! They said I was! Damnit!
I'm lying down on the small blue stairs by stage right exit. My fondest memory of Claire was here, where I am. where we were lying down in teh dark, during out off scenes of Man of La Mancha. I was hugging her.
This place isn't the same. It's... I don't like it. so why do I lie here? I don't know. All I know is that I'm not cute, the girls don't *like* me but I hav eno right to complain , because some lameass kid has it worse.
I hate my life. I want to go home.
Well, it's 10:29:14. today sucked I guess. I took 2 tests. I guess I did OK. I got the personal webpage publisher prog. I want a bunch of progs before AOl starts their thing. I should giv eJesse and Account. At least a temp. or tell him to send me Java and such other webmaking tools.
why do I get odd inspirations? They are wonderful. I lvoe them. They are things that Name my company Celery Celebration ar Make me write Capecod everywhere I go in Yosemite. In line for lunch this occurred to me: If the star Sirius was surrounded by life supporting planets, and you committed a crime and were sent to Sirius to do it, if Sirius had a weak gravitational pull, doing serious time on Sirius would be Serious. Well, I'm going to make a Celery Celebration! web page. -Celebrate!

11-17-1996

Well, it's 11:14 P.M. School in 8 hours, 45 mins. I saw X-Files, perhaps I can strike up a conversation with Beth tomorrow.
::sigh:: It wasn't as easy to fall head over feet with Beth as it was w/ Johanne, and certainly not as easy as Shawna. Perhaps I'm developing natural "defenses," or a harsh coldness. I don't think I'm harshly cold, perhaps I'm learning. God, how odd. learning. When I die, all of my "learning" will be of no use. Oh well. life sucks, then you die. I don;t believe that, but I feel it.
"Life Sucks, Then you Die."

11-16-1996 Starting to Like Beth

OK. I didn;t write yesterday. So beat me. I was at school until 7:00 Pm, playing Vampire. I even ahd Geoff come up. It was very cool. Geoff spent the night also. and Today I went to my zoo class, and Geoff led the tour.
At dinner richie farted, grinned, and started fanning it. I said, "that reminds me of something Skip would do." Then Geoff said "Wow, with the way you talk about your friends, I'm afraid not to be around you." I'm doing it. The way I know Jesse spwaks about people behind their backs, I'm doing it! Well, No More! Not about Skip, Not anyonw! Not Even Ms. Cerri.
Oh, BTW, I finally saw The Crow. I Rented it. And recorded it. Cool Beans.
There is a song from it that I love. It can't rain all the time. Your tears won't fall forever. and so on. I like it.
I also realized things. well, darned if anything else, I'll bet I'm *maturing*. I realized a few things, those of which I can;t put in here. I don't know why. I can't put it in here. It's nothing special. Oh well.
An odd thing is... I want to be in school. Another day away, and I can't take it. I want to go back! how odd. well, bath time. Write later.
OK. I just watched 12 monkeys. Deffinitely a movie to come back to in a few years. It's above me.
Cool, but above me.
::sigh:: I wish a girl liked me. I wish Beth liked me. I wish? I wasn't even thinking that when I wrote it. Well, it's written. I might *like* Beth. well, not yet, but it certainly is appealing.
I feel like writing a poem. Hmm, this organizer is too small. Either I get a new, bigger one, or I take this one apart.
::sigh:: it's too late to write a poem.
I feel like listening to Smashing Pumpkins, and drowning myself in thoughts of Beth, and by the time I awake, I should have fallen for her so hard, that I'll strain my neck (which still hurts) again. Or, I can go on living. Well, I love change. why did I write that? I hate change. Oh, BTW... Brad Pitt is my favorite Actor. he was awesome in 12 Monkeys. ::sigh:: should I fall? It would be Maddness. But sometimes Risks must be taken. As Malkavians say, "When falling into Maddness, DIVE."
My choice is made. ::sigh:: I hope it is the right one. hey, it might not even work.
-Have a Hangover
-Nirvana (dumb)

11-14-1996

ell, Today sucked. I don't know why. I am alone. Skip left early. It all got better at rehersal. ::sigh:: I .love. rehersal. Tomorrow I have a game. Judy is at school until 3:00 AM. Basketball practice. Skip is trying to stay out as long as possible. I have a phone call as curfew. I'm also trying to get Geoff up here to play. A Salubri. My chronicle is good, just need smore detail. gotta work on it. see ya!

11-13-1996

OK. Well. Uh. I've been reading my past entries, rigth now I'm on the 25th. I've just learned that Shawna doesn;t give a rat's ass, and Just about to learn that neither does Johanne. I still think she's pretty, and has *beautiful* eyes, but she was mean to me. Should I forgive & forget? No forget this time. I can't. I could at some point, but not anymore. I'll make do with forgive. But relations are still kind of awkward. I haven't talked to Shawna for.. Oh, since I got back from Yosemite. I don't care. She pisses me off. but she's got charisma. In HEAPS so I... I want to try to gorgive her, but I'm still suffering from the break. like whiplash.
I'm amazed at my writing. Rereading it, I totally understand everything. It's good. I'm happy with it. Rereading it brings back images of everything. I remember the hope, the happiness, the frustration, the anger. The saddness. It all looks trivial in retrospect. It doesn't look too bad looking back. Well, not where I am, but I know it will get bad, and eventually give way and fall to where I am now.
::sigh:: I love Melissa. I mis her. I want her to come back. I want to see the crow. I Love that movie. there isn't enough love in my life. I want to love someone, and be loved back.
-time up. BBL.
I just talked to shawna. Wow. oh yeah./ whoopee. who the hell cares? Same Shawna. Exactly the same. She wanted me to teach her Ravenloft. I told her that I understood that it was a lot like D&D. Same Shawna. Rather trendy. I met her friend Alexa. whoopee.
Melissa visited today. It was great, the 17 minutes w/ her was wonderful, but she forgot the crow. ::sigh::
I'm listening to Kerplunk by green day. All the songs are "I love you." "Do you love me?" "My girlfriend......" damnit this CD is crap. Ok, I've turned it off.
The whole kitchen smells like cigarettes. I wish my mom would quit. It sucks. I hate it. It makes things bad. Why do so many peopel smoke? I swear I will Never smoke. It is so disgusting.
I hate my life. I want to go home.
My mom read my shot story. The one w/ swear words. She said it was really good. I thought it sucked. eh, she's my mom. She loves everything.
I bet that'll go away eventually too. Like a cigarette, slowly burning out.
I think I want to get away. To drown in my dreams, To descend into madness like Don Quixote. I want it to STOP.
-nothing to learn.