10-31-1996 Hurt my Neck on Halloween

today was the most interesting day I've had in a long time. I dawned my straight jacket, and mad mime face, and had it all day. we walked to Vernal falls. Vernal falls was beautiful, and with 548 stairs +/- 50, it was a diff. hike. wonderful. After, peopel got a little Rowdy, and we were forced to stay in our cabins. On Halloween! Well, I got in a fist fight, but it wasn;t much of one, as someone tied my straight jacket together. I kicked, pressed my face into his new, white starter Jacket, and bit him. It started because someone threw an orange. I feel so sorry, and so did the guy, because he went after me because he thought I was trying to hurt him. A big misunderstanding. I think. I dunno. Well, after we were grounded, I was pissed, and on the way to the campfire, I started running. Ran around people, over rocks, untill...
there was a very large rock and it wasin my way, so I climbed on top of it, and jumped off it.
To my dismay, there was someone below. I don't know who. Well, I hit this mystery person, and flipped, landing on my neck. *crack**crack**pop**crack*
It hurt like a bitch. After a while, I told a teacher, and Mr. Beattie took me to the clinic. I went to the emergency room, was X-rayed, wheeled around, and given a neck brace. It is a soft, squishy one, looks liek a big foam pad. They say tomorrow, it is going to hurt even more. Oh man.
BTW- Mike Anpickapon is the guy who I fought, and I feel so guilty about it. He does too, so I guess it's not my fault.
-this is a pain in the Neck
Ciao

10-30-1996

Today was the spider caves. It was a lot of fun. When we got out, I had to pee, so I climbed up on a rock, stood as away from people as I could get and tried to go. Unfortunately, it wasn't far enough, and people realized what I was doing and began to laugh. I couldn't go. That was my day.
I am having another episode. It's just beginning. The feeling of loss, emptiness, and the overall numbness to others is overbearing. I can't stand it. I'm a different person when I'm depressed. I currently feel as if there is nothing in my life to look forward to.
-sandy just came in. Jaime (sp?) wants to break up w/ guy, and Guy really likes her. Skip just cursed at me. I feel like breaking down. I am. Dammit. He's speaking sternly to me. I am going to cry.
example.- All the guys in guy's cabin want him to kiss her. He says no, it's got to be the right atmosphere. Damn. He likes her. I feel so sorry for him. Life. What a foul card. I want to go home. I want to talk to someone. I want someone to tell me that I'm cute. I want someone to tell me that they care. I want someone to hug. I want someone to love. I want. Me. Me. Me. Gimme. Gimme.
Cry. ::sigh::
Skip is all P.O.ed. I feel bad. I feel bad for everyone.
Damn it. I'm so pissed off at Skip. He's feeling really bad.sharpening his knife. chanting. Complaining. saying how his life was shit since his birth. Damn. This makes me worse. I feel at fault. ::sob::
Skip kicked me out. Claire thinks she's an asshole. What's wrong with this world? I say screw the night hike. I want melissa. cry
I am so miserable. I sit in this crammed phonebooth, which has no door or windows, I might add, and write. My nose drips. A tear falls. The rain goes pitter patter. Life goes on, whether I'm holding on or not. I want to go home. But if I did, I'd feel like I was running away. Which I am.
My best friend is an asshole. I've never said that before. I seriously think something is seriously wrong with Skip. I feel sad for him. Is that why I stay with him? No, I actually like him. Even though I find his presence annoying. He just kicked me out. These thoughts are biased, and therfore null and void. Why me? I've been good. I've been kind. I've loved all manner of creatures, and objects. this proves there is no god. Maybe if there is, he is the mean and spiteful one of the Old Testament.
Claire walked by. She said "Oh, hi dan. I know you're upset." I want someone to hug me, and tell me everything will be alright. there is noone to say that.
Me. Me. I've been good. I've been a wonderful person. Why does this happen to me.
claire is pissed off. depression is a virus. I started it. I am at fault. It is me.
Nui just said "OOOh! I hate people. People suck!" The virus. virus. virus. I am infester, I am a germ pit. They feed on my compassion, dulling it. They feed on my laughter, stifling it. They feed on me. I am not who I am. Or, am I who I am, but Just learned that. What happened to make me like this? Why does All This happen to me?
a hug. A hug. No hug. Ho hug.
huggies! huggies! huggies!
Noone.
Nothing.
Never.
No.
I want to go home. But not to that Drafty old barn we live in. Home is with Terry, and Sandy, and lady, and my small, blue room, with the giant bay westward windows. Home is burning.
I think people are calling me to go on the hike. I don't want to go. I hope they are calling me. I should go.
Mental distress.
...after Night Hike...
well, I was just on the night hike. It sucked. we learned useless crap that I've already forgotten. Skip skipped it. I suppose he was under mental distress. He too had a break down. I feel sorry for him.
This phone booth (yes, I came back) smells liek cigarettes. I don't care.
Well, Jaime broke up with Guy. I think that sucks more than anything I can imagine. Why is life like this? Why does it suck so much? Why do I believe that Skip is a total wacko? I believe everything he's told me is B.S. I feel alone. Empty. There is noone I can talk to. Noone. Claire thinks she's an asshole, is biased to the opinion of an asshole. Ethan is with Justin and chris Ahn, and we aren;t that close anyway. I ahve Noone. My sister, well, I have 3 minutes on my calling card. I can't talk to her. god damnit.
"Life is beautiful, life is great. Thank you god, for another beautiful day."-unknown.
I want to go home. I don't want to go to the cabin. Sarah wonders why I'm in this phone booth. I told her the truth. I'm writing in my journal, and I don't want to be in my cabin.
Damn it. Thank you God!?! I have no faith! I don't believe in god.
Save me. Rescue me. I am drowning. It's pulling me down.
It's cold. I'm wet. I need to be away from Skip. He scares me. He's a mean person. cry
I with I was home.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I could fix everyone's problems.
That's what I was. I was/am here to make people happy. that has always been my role. but what happens when the Jester no longer Jests?
He gets fired. what's gonna happen to me?
I want.
Me. Selfish.
It's cold and wet.
In, it's warm, dry, harsh, horrible. I might sleep out here. Yeah. I wish.

I am a hipocrite. I'm 14! who cares? I'm thinking about god. I'm an atheist! Ther eis no god! I think I believe that to believe is gos is a sign of weakness.
I SUCK.
Noone in my grade cares about me.
Skip doesn't like me anymore. Probably never did. (what does this mean? I know it's wrong.)
I'm never going to have a girlfriend.
Skip is probably going to kill himself.
I want it all to go away. to Leave me. No Skip. No girls, No hostilty. No depression.
It's cold, and wet.
I suck. Save me. Save me.
shawna probably didn;t really like me either.
::sigh::
-end it all
well, I'm in my cabin, Skip and I are both pissed. I hope. I truly hope tomorrow doesn;t suck.
-uh huh.

10-29-1996

Today was better. skip is in the corner sharpening his knife. We hiked to the giant sequoias today. They are huge. I never dreamt that trees taht big existed. It was right out of a fantasy novel. Wow. Cool. No depression today. Well, it's only 10pm. There's always time.
Oh yeah. It's raining. It's fucking raining. Cuyamaca. Hell's Campground. Curry Village. Hell's Kitchen. Bathroom? Bathroom w/ nice wallpaper? Hell's Drainage Ditch. That's it. At the Sequoias it was snowing. Fun. Cold. Wet. but fun. I pegged johanne in the chest with a snowball. I smile thinking about that. I also got Sarah, I got melissa a lot. life feels empty. Judy says the girls like my hair. If so, why don't they say so? I think it's horrible.
::sigh:: I knew it wasn't too late. The familiar warm blanket has arrived to deliver me to Dreamland.
-Nexus

10-28-1996 The worst day I can ever remember having

Well, we finished our first hike today. It was kind of tiring, I didn't break a sweat. My legs did, but that was all. skip wants to RP, Judy didn't bring her sheet. I doubt Darryl did. Well, gotta work on the game.
Write later.

This is the worst Day I can ever remember having. darryl and Judy never showed up for teh game. Everyone else was having fun during their free time. I decided to go to dinner early. 5:15. The doors don't open 'till 6:00. 45 mins. It's not bad. After dinner I was so depressed, I just walked and sulked. We had to go to this stupid slideshow about frogs, and the phrase "I hate myself and I want to die." kept running through my head. After that, I wandered around, sat, listened to NIN on my walk man, and thought about suicide. How stupid it is, and since I am nothing noone would care. There are billions of people on this planet. do you know what that makes me. A stick. a bug. the stick I picked up, pretended to like, then broke. I am that stick. What was I doing? am I crazy. Why does Steve ask me if I'm alright, then come to me later to see if I'm still crying? Because he cares? If so, then why does that make me so sad? It makes me cry. Why?
Oh, and I had a realization. There are billions of people. Billions. each one tries to make a difference, to be something. What are my chances? I will probably never have another girlfriend. I've also realized something. I've hugged girls, I've pecked girls, that is all. I've never gazed longingly into anyone's eyes, rested my hand gently on their knee, or french kissed. ::sigh:: I can probably say the same thing when I graduate. I hate this place. The hikes. The food. The people. They are all mean. I can't stand it. mean. mean. Mean. Nothing. Nothing. Noone. To have noone. Never. No. Nothing.
Yes.

10-27-1996 A Piece of a Game, and Skip is Deranged

My notebook is in the bottom of the bus, so I'm mapping the game on Halloween in here.
Jack Interficio didn;t die. He collected his resources, contacts, and all his influential power in construct a plan for killing the Duchess, and all her court. To get Judy out... He won't. He won't. His force occurs on halloween, at 12:00. A penniless, broken man, he spent all of his money on this. He is clearly Deranged.
Skip and Judy are called there to begin work. They are given chimerical weapons to battle w. Judy has a police baton that can lengthen w/ a roll of 4 dice, diff of the largest nearby banality. Each success is equal to 2ft maximum gain. It need not be 2 ft, if she wants, 1/2 ft. Skip gets a pair of ruby sunglasses to percieve Chimera, and a ruby melded into his skull magically, and only a little sticking up. He can now effect chimera w/ his magic. All chimera.
Assasination attempt. Whan and bazookas. failed. Armband tells where he is. Called to bring him in.
He is in a mansion rigged up w/ Booby traps.

-Well first day at Yosemite is over. It sucks. better then Cuyamaca. It's not cold. The cabins are like cheap hotel rooms. I'm miserable. We're supposed to make friends here. I'm antisocial. The only people I can relate to are teh girls. I sometimes wish I was a girl. They are so much freer. They hug each other and noone minds. They have large groups of friends. All of them that I know anyway.
Me and Skip. Outcasts. Noone cares about us. He sits and sharpens his knife, sulking. Alan is playing on my speakers. Imagesof Shawna go through my mind. It makes me sad.
you live.. you learn.
::sigh:: noone wants us. We could sit in our cabin all day, and people would only be glad.
Nothing. Noone. Never. No. the N word. Head over feet plays now. Fuck.
Damn. Skip sings. He's horrible. It makes the song have less effect. Noone will care. Beth thinks I'm a weirdo, and Julia thinks I'm an immature, stupid, loser.
Yeah. I love makign friends. Shoot me. It'll be fun. The song's beginning to work.
Skip scares me. He's throwing things, cursing. He hates his life. He apologized. That's better. I think he needs therapy. He knows her needs therapy. his mom's too cheap to pay for therapy. I wonder if my mom could pay for him. his mom probably wouldn't let him. why? Why are so many of my friends depressed?
Skip is talking of his summoning powers. I think it's all B.S. but sho knows. Te Shaw means neither and both. or so he says. 2 Orders, at war for millenia. The Te-e, and the Sha-a. Everything must abide by rules on Magic, or things will die.
He's telling me how he is going to die, and why he will never get married...
Skip is deranged. What he tells me is

{
Original Transcript contains a game of MASH where I Drive a Pugeot, have a pet Salimander, Honeymooned in Paris, and Married someone with the Initials D.P. I have 3 moneys, and 2 kids.

Skip drives an RV, has a pet dog, spouse was N/A. He has no kids. No predictions of wealth

This was played on the Bus on the way to Yosemite.
}

(con't)
in such great detail. Wow. Sucks for him.
I wish he wasn't depressed.
-g'night.
::sigh::

10-26-1996

Ok. I didn;t write yesterday. It was a very good day. Although I couldn't go see Melissa, and that made me pretty bummed, I was o. Right now I am at the zoo. It is cool. I was 1/2 hour late, and I told them that my dad turned the clocks ack too soon. ehe. It's an excuse. In 1/2 hour, we go to the reptile house. This guy w/ a toronto Maple leafs jersey just walked up to me. He is sitting near me. I think it's because I'm wearing a King's Jersey, and he saw teh familiar love of Hockey between us. Or something. Well, I have 20 mins. left in lunch, so I'll write later.

OK. I'm cheating. It's really the 27th (danny, you rule!) but I threw in the DST 1 hour earlier.
I go to Yosemite. I'm tired. I was supposed to clean my room. I made 30+ fake $20 bills. Only half, so it looks folded. They look so real. wow. can you even begin to count the possibilities?
-night, it's late.

10-24-1996

Well, today was the first day in a while that I haven't been depressed. I was kind of sad, bored a lot, but otherwise I am happy. Beth seemed to be a little less then excited during P.E., she didn;t even move for the ball. Carla was like that too. I didn't say anything, she probably had something on her mind.
I have decided to try to stop cracking my knuckles, toes, back, neck, and whatever else I crack 3 times a class. Talk about a compulsion. It's hard! It is like I need to do it. My joints feel stiff, odd.
-other thought-
I will probably look back on this when I'm older, like 20 or something. Seems pretty distant now. How will I look? Will girls like me? will I pursue computers, or one of the Sciences? or something else?
we leave for Yosemite in abotu 2 days. sunday mornin'. Wow. I hope it doesn't suck. I hope I find a special someone (yeah right)
-Spam!

10-23-1996

Well, today was a pretty normal day. I sat downstairs and wrote poems about my nothingness, and being nobody. It all seems silly now, but I meant it when I wrote it. Beth, Julie, and Nui came over to me after the bell rang, and they talked to me. for no reason! And they were smiling! wow! they were saying how it's time to go to class, and Julie offered me her hand to help me up. I'm not sure if I took it. I was too depressed to be thinking properly. But minutes later I got ove rmy depression, at least the most of it. I went to Dr. Gero's today. Wow. He's good. He says I should get a friend in french. Damn. Skip is odd. Everytime I rub it in how Mercedes built parts for gas chambers and incinerators during WWII, he gets all pissed off. Sheesh.
Am I selfish for wanting my seat in English? I was there first, and I love my seat. Darryl and Kevin move in so they can pay better attention. I feel so sorry for Darryl. he really seems like he is struggling. Oh well.
Night -I'm turning Japanese (unknown artist)

10-22-1996

Today hasn;t been especially eventful. In fact, It has pretty much sucked. Skip is away, she has 2nd lunch. Yep, i's Tuesday. Wee. fun.
ther eis a weird smell in the air. It isn't a bad smell It's Just weird. I am sitting in the crotch of this tree, writing, occasionally looking up to see if anyone is coming toward me. Nope. Waiting. Noone. Claire, I assume has 2nd lunch too. ::sigh::

OK, school was rather boring, but at least it didn;t suck. Ehei Not much happened. I went to Dr. Gero's, but I'm not sure about it. I don't know when my appointment is, The card I thought it was, is my actual doctor's appointment. oops. We waited for a while. There was a wild fire near here. It's put out though.
Boring Day. I'm getting sad, because It was a boring day, which I will soon assume to be a bad day. As it gets later, I get more depressed. well, I'm gonna sleep now. ::sigh::
-OOOooo

10-21-1996

My mom's B-day. Yeah. Today was sickly depressing. In english, I was so afraid at the thought of reading anything I almot cried. I was forced to stand up in front of class, and show Mr. Garfield how insecure and scared I was. I didn't have to read my thing, but It was scary none the less.
About an hour ago, I was as depressed as I've been in a long time. Thinking how pointless life is, how I won't make a difference, and that I wanted it over with. It brings me to tears to think that I wanted it over. Over. No more. How cold. How Horrible. It makes me sad. Will I ever be as happy as I was in 7th grade? Probably not. It was false happiness. It wasn't fate. It had to end. I am supposed to be miserable. There is noone out there for me. At least not at Prep. I want to stay away from Beth. I don't want her to know me. If she knows me, she'll hate me too, like all the others.
She didn't like me as much as I liked her. That was my fault. couldn't be any more my fault. She never liked me. I thought she did, she put on a hell of a show for 5 months! damnit all to hell. I wish she... I don't know. I wish nothing. 14 years of nothing. damn.
Claire was saying how she took an attitude test, and she was in teh middle. She sait that she would be the bitchiest of bitches in about a year. I cry. I like claire. I don't want her to be like them. She is a wonderful girl, nice, talented. Bitch isn't her, but it could be. I can't let it. But what can I do? I cry. My throat is soar. No Claire. No. Anything but that. Don't do it. Care. People love you. I love you. Don't do it. Please. Of course it falls upon deaf ears, as it hasn;t been said. I truly hope she doesn't become a bitch. I think my life stinks. It feels like it won't get better, It has sucked for 6 weeks, a lot longer than I'm used to.
Bath-Time. ::sigh::

10-20-1996 A short obsession with change

At the beginning of the year, I had no idea how I'd be about now. Halloween was still a long way off. Not No more. How will I be at Thanks giving? christmas? will I have a girlfriend? not likely. Will I be over my depression? I dunno. I still haven;t mailed the letter to melissa.
wow. change. what a word.
I have just Change pencils. I'm sick and tired of that crap #2 lead. I'm using my green mechanical pencil. The one I've had for 6 years. wow. 6 years ago, using this pencil to record my thoughts fo rmy adult life was the last... wasn't even in my mind. My adult life. How weird that sounds. I feel as though I don't deserve an adult life, or don;t want one. Adult. a loss of innocence. It is a nice warm soft (if sometimes itchy) blanket.
Change... I have changed. How will I change? Will it be a good change? Will my Ideas of "good" change?
Change. Something that's always with us.
It's in our pockets.
It's in our cars.
It's in ourselves.
Change.
We do it every morning.
We do it every night.
We never do it.
We remain constant,
forever giving tips,
keeping no change for ourselves.
Change.
It's a pointless poem. I could probably improve it, but it's late.

Melissa's still here. I missed her so much.

Change. I hate change. I was happy. I hated change. I'm not happy. I hate change, yet I welcome it. Is that why people like change? because they aren't happy? Maybe.
Tomorrow the play starts. Whee! the first thing to look forward to this year.
-ciao

10-19-1996 Homecoming and Casting

So sue me. It's 12:02 AM. Homecoming was cool. I danced with Eun, taught her how to dance, and it was cool. The best Homecoming I've ever been to. Heather and Mike wer ehugging. It's kinda depressing, but I'm happy for her.
Casting is Severly messed up. Katie is Dorris, Katie Allen is Gerda. That is messed up. Michell should have had that part. She was trying to get into Stanford w/ a degree in acting. Blows chunks, huh? As for me, I'm stage manager. Joe Young's my superior, but It's still cool. Damn, I'm tired.
Johanne looked bad at homecoming, her hair was all messed up.
Katie left crying. Her date Chris M. Pulled off his bouenir, and stomped it saying "I don't want to talk to you" Harsh, but as I hear from him, she was ignoring him. ::sigh:: poor Katie. I am so sorry for her.
-Night

Well, today we celebrate my mom's b-day, even though it isn't 'till monday. I got her the flannel granny gown she wanted. I now have NO llunch money for next week.
Melissa is visiting All weekend! cool huh?
She's here, why am I depressed? My lack of love?
Heather and Mike are going out now. He's so lucky. I myself have wondered if girls actually liked guys, or if they just pretended to. How weird huh? Well 1 1/2 years w/o love returned is dangerous. I wonder what I will say when I am a senior? Well, 5 1/2 years w/o love returned really sucks. I am alone forever. I've been turned down so often, I've got cardo-callousses.
Seems possible. Beth wasn't at homecoming. I wanted to ask her for a dance. Oh well. Life can't get much worse, and good things are happening.
::sigh::

10-17-1996

Hmm. NO break downs today. but I do feel really guilty. Why? Hellas I know. It's because Katie got mad at heather. It makes me feel better, straightening things out, but she got mad. "But I don;t want to be among mad people." -Alice in Wonderland. Oh, hey what, this is about the 80th page. whoohoo! What is that, 10 pages a week? poor trees.
Cast is tomorrow! Did I get a part? I can only hope. I aced the tryouts, as far as I can tell. Not aced, B range. But, I did way better then any previous tryouts.
I said something to Chris M. today about lime lights, and I wish I hadn't said it. Who cares? he's probably already forgot.
Damn, I'm weird. Wow. 80 pages. That's alot, and off of only 1/2 a stick of lead. 11:00, gotta sleep. Tomorrow's Homecoming. Wow. Fun. I hope. I'm going with Eun Han. I still don't know if we are going as friends or not. eh. I'll treat her as a friend, but give her the courtesy of a date. That can't go wrong, can it?
night.

10-16-1996

Well, I said "Hi" again. A faint cry out to the world. It was greeted by a false grin, not even big enough to look welcome.
in english, reading other people's poems. To me, they are empty. meaningless. I suppose mine is too. a waste. sludge. crap.
nope. mine holds meaning. at least in the last stanza. although it is a bit uneven. I usppose people are saying this about my poem too.

Today is auditions for the play. I hope I do well. I'm getting sad. And French in 6th. I really hope the day gets better.
Johanne thinks I'm scum. I can see it in her eyes. Her beautiful eyes. I'm not sure her eyes are blue. maybe they are silvery grey. who knows? I should stop lingering. I'm making it worse. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home.
Mr. Garfield hasn't said anything about my poem. I guess he thinks it's not special. ::sigh::

::flush:: my life just took a plunge. Heather got another date to Homecoming. The guy she's been pining after for 6 weeks. I'm happy for her, but I feel really, really sad. I don't know why. we were just going as friends, and I would make her go with him anyway as soon as I found out. My mom already ordered a corsage and boutinere. I don't want to go to homecoming. Not now. Not ever. My whole position sucks. Rejected by all girls, even my friend. I am crying. uh oh, Claire is coming.
Wow. That was a helping hand out of the porcelain Jacqusie (sp?) Johanne... according to claire is not well liked, she saw her at Mc Donalds once, and her boyfriend (maybe) was all over her. That explains a lot. I'm very glad to have a friend like Claire. Although I'm still depressed, I feel as though a huge weight (Johanne) has been lifted off my shoulders, and flushed down the crapper. which is true, because, unfortunately, my opinion of her has been flushed. I have seen these friends. Damn. I'm s.... not sad. I'm jilted? in shock? somewhere in between. closer to the sad side. the cool breeze is very comforting. The warm beast is being driven away. Back you Bastard!!!! Still though noone wants to go with me. I seriously don't believe that anyone does.
the sun has come out, symbolizing the evaporation of my grief. Johanne isno.... well, maybe a little. but not much. and hopefuly soon, and never again.
But homecoming is still coming up. What to do, what to do? Think Think Think.
Visions of past meanness and spite come to me. mostly "you looked at my profile!??"
oh well. time to go.

wow! Beth is a good actress she has katie & liz on teh run. Competition between the girls. Fierce competition: Katie looks like she's gonna Hemmohrage. It must be very stressful. It seems rather selfish though. eh. good luck is all I can hope for her.
I think I did pretty well too. I hope I get a part. the sad thing is taht someone is going to get hurt. I am a prime candidate, although one of my Sophomore friends isn't going to get a part too. I feel so sorry for them.
I gotta do my H.W.

I got a date to Home Coming. I was all excited at first. Wow. It's eun. She's in my French class. I thought: wow, someone wouldn't mind going to home Coming with me. It's only because the guy she wants to go with has a boyfriend. Damn. noone likes me. I don't want to go to Homecoming. It will suck. It always has. Oh, and Claire has a date. Damn. women must see me as pretty fucking obsolete. I'm sad and crying now.
I had thought that this was going to be a "good" day. My first in a while. It sucks.
eun could have said "as friends" instead of because the guy I asked, his girlfriend wouldn't let him.
I don't want to go. But she's already ordered a boutinere. I'm fucking stuck in a hole. It's filling with granite. Why me? Why me? Why am I so undesirable? why does my presence seem to pull the worst out of people? Is it because they don't really like me?Possibly. "Gee, SPAM was really sad. woud you go w/ him?" "Sure, my date cancelled."
A Second Choice. I'm noone's First. Noone's I'm noone's second either. Noone wants to go with me. Not ONE person!!!!

I want to get sick. Homecoming sucks. I'm so depressed. I thought it was over. This sucks. My head hurts. -Go.

10-15-1996 Spring Poem

well, no doubt about it (still) I've got a crush on her. I keep telling myself "she's a bitch." But I know it's not true. I can't think of people as bad until I actually know them and have seen them in the act. Michell Cherkesian is a bitch. She was always being mean to Skip, making fun of him, about his pills and stuff. A bitch. I wanted to say "shut up bitch." right there. perhaps shoot spitballs at her, or break eggs in her locker. But those are childish and immature. ::sigh:: I sometimes wish those things weren't above me.
Johanne - not a bitch. She was mean/ inconsiderate to me on many occasions, and has nice people friends. When ever I see her smile (not at me any more) (damn it!) I fucking screwed myself on this one! Damn! I miss her smile. ::sigh:: I will never see it again focused on me. That is a miserable fate.
Tomorrow is auditions. I hope I do well. I don't "wish" for a part, as that would be unfare to others participating & to myself. Assuming wishing actually works. ::sigh::
Alan is playing. I still havne't have a complete conversation with Shawna, why is my life so messed up? It's not! It's my mind! I think it is, therfore it appears to be.
-Spring-

a mittion flowers look at me.
The white, the blue, the yellow.
They are beautiful.
soft, forgiving, beautiful.

the sun smiles to me.
then day awakes.
The Red, the yellow, the orange.
They make me feel
wonderful.

the flowers all look,
a peaceful baby blue.
they smile
The sun looks down.
It smiles. It warms me.

I am me. I am the sky.
I am the grass.
I am happy.
{
But all things end, and
the flowers bloom for me no more,
the sun it only sets.
And night, it consumes me,
with it's all encompassing cloak.
ahem!
} Not Good ending love poem
-Spring-
a million flowers gaze at me
the softest wight,
the babiest blue,
the friendliest yellow,
so soft, so comforting,
so beautiful.

in the morning,
the sun smiles to me.
the day awakes.
the encompassing red,
the orange overtime.
It makes me feel wonderful.

this is all I have so far.
It's about Johanne. Damn it.
-Bye

10-14-0996

Hmm. It's 3:30 AM Does that count as Mon, or Sun? Happy Columbus Day. I have a new PC. NEW. 5x866, 16 megs Ram, Jaz Drive, 244 megs base, full tower, Diamond Stealth 3d card.
Kewl.
That was my weekend. no school today. Therapy tonight. And I have to reschedule seeing the Paso Fino. ::sigh:: I don't even want a horse yet. I am going to Homecoming. It's too early to gripe with myself. I'm tired. G'night.

Well, it's 8:00 PM. listenin' to the radio. I think I'll write my poem about love. Extended metaphor paper airplane. let's see what I can crank out, eh?

A monstrous liner flying high
fashined of paper, so fragile.
It never knows where it's going
but it knows where it wants
to the amber sky on fire
up it flies, up to the skies,
till it burns, falls, and crashes.

-The Flight-
a gliger aloft, it seeks teh sky
a baby, a newborn, a puppy.
on familiar winds, it searches
for what? for why?
for the Amber Sky! so peaceful so high.
on fire it burns, though I'll never know why
the bright red glare, orange floods every where
and yellow small flame of it's own.
<-
but to fly too high, not to touch the sky
leaves one charred, burnt and fried.
Then to fall to the earth, all sickened
and wet leaves one
-> let's start this ->
The glider is there, mingling
with the air, so sure, so calm, so collected.
When the wind pulls away, the night is here to stay
and it fall, and it burn, and dirty.
It will look to the sky, and then it askes why
{
the sky didn't mean it,
the sky didn't know,
It wouldn't have burnt you,
It wouldn't soon go.
} Crap. To be removed.
{
But as skies often lie
andold gliders crash, and die.
the is teh same, w/a mean and horrid game.
and teh glider is soon reborn.
to try again, to fly to Heaven
} Redone (below)

But the sky will lie,
the glider will die
though another is born in teh ashes.
With rekindled freedom, it too longs to fly, with it's lover, it's soulmate
Then Dies.

I like it. It is a good metaphor for love. At least for the way I feel about love now.
It's depressing. kind of. It depends upon what you make the glider symbolize. It could be me, and teh wind is Melissa, and the sky is her. I dunno. eh. When I wrote it, the sky was/is/ was all teh girls who made me emotionally distraught. Shawna/ Johanne. Johanne. it looks best written small. Is that because I'm getting over her and am getting through rejection? Or is it just because?
::sigh:: Jesse didn't hook up my printer inside my P.C. Tomorrow, today in 8 mins. I need to print it out at school, and glue ashes to it.
Sayonara!
Oh, BTW! Dr. Gero Says I'm doing better. I guess I am, but I still want to be loved. I Really want to be loved. Hmm... should I ask Katie/ Heather/ Liz for hugs directly, or not at all, or use the Gerome Martin "Morning Hug" technique?
Oh, who cares! Ciao
-11:57:59

10-11-1996 A mirror of my mind, everything was fine.

Today was teh day the grim reaper walks around and selects peopel every 18 minutes, to represent how many people are killed because of drunk drivers. If skip go tpicked, would he be able to not interract all day?
Hmmm. Well, 12 mins left in my study Hall. Better get to Work.

Johanne,
I Oh forget it. I can't do this. It's first period. I probably shouldn't even write this letter. It might make her think I'm trying to make her like me. But why should she hate me?
Damn it. Maybe I'll just get over her. Ya think? I'm twitchy. My body is shaking and nervious. Is because of my near run in with death? I doubt it?
:: I have french next wee. My least favorite class. It is so... so... so.. It isn't fun.
Thoughts of childhood seem silly now, but the feelings stay.
-Divorce
Marian Stockhart (8th grade)

We need to write a poem now. English.
Her eyes. Her hair. Her face. An Angel. My angel. My hopes My cares. My love. Returned. Clamped off. Rejected. Did she return it? Or did she simply reflect it? A mirror of my mind, everything was fine. It all ended.

I am crazy. a madman. a sadman. the sandman of my mind keeps it away. Shielding me, as it kills itself.

She scowls. I smile. I cry. She smiles. I scowl. I cry.

10-10-1996 Practice Letters to Johanne

Wow. Just another day. I'm not going to bother to quote Boingo this time. Hmmm. Why am I depressed? It ain't cool. frankly, it sucks. Hmm. will I... Should I tell Heather about Claire? I think so. She can push away Coulds, and tell me the real meaning.
Ho hum. Life is a bore. I wish I had hope. Johanne doesn't even pretend to smile when I say Hi anymore. Hmm. I have nothing to lose. I might as well walk up to her, apologize, explain that I really should have waited to ask her, and ask her not to hate me. I could write a note. How would that be? I dunno. She might just think I'm a quack. If she does, that's her problem. I can move on. I am out of ideas. Hmm. That sounds pretty good to me. It might just be because it's getting late, and I get most depressed and most longing at night.
I'll get Heather's advice. I want Heather to get home.
Although it is only minutes since I came up w/ the letter idea, I'm already thinking that it's a bad idea. My life is so boring and uneventful, prehaps radical random action is what I need. Of course, since I don';t even know her, she might be a huge Bitch, and spread the note around school. I won't put any self destructive material in the letter. What shall teh letter say? Hmm. I shall ask Heather.

Well Heather was a Honk-a-doodle of Help. Oh well. Even though I feel like I shouldn;t write it. But I will anyway. ::sigh::

And I felt so bad and didn't know why. And it didn't get better as time went by. I was there for you but you turned away. And I tried to find you, but it's useless. And I tried to speak, bu tit's useless. And I tried to find you but it's useless.
-Can't See (useless)
Oingo Boingo (Boingo)

Deaf Johanne,
The past week I have noticed a



I apologize fromt eh bottom of my heart and the entierity of my soul. I ask, not for you to come to homecoming with ,e. or to even rethink your decision. All I ask is for you to take the time to rejudge my character. I feel as though I have given you the wrong impression of me.

*Dear Johanne,
As a result of my invitation to Homecoming a week prior, I believe I have mislead you. about Although I do like you, I believe that the feeling is not shared by you. I'm apologizing. I apologize from teh bottom of my heart, adn entierity of my soul for asking you, as we hardly know one another. I'm sorry. I'm not asking you to change yoru mind about the dance. I am simply asking you to take the time to rejudge my character.

Dear Johanne,
As a result of my nvitation to Homecoming, I now realize, and apologize for my mistake. I made the mistake of asking you to the dance, even though you don't even know me.
I don't with for you to take me to the dance, not even for you to like me. All I ask is a swift reevaluation. Even if you gave me another chance, it wouldn't do me any good, as I am horribly shy.
So the character reevaluation wouldn;t even get you much. I suppose all I want is forgiveness. If not, then a knee to the groin so I can find a reason to get over you.

Crap. I can't think of anything good ot write.
Hmm. I just sat down and wrote Melissa's letter. Maybe Her's will come the same way.

Dear Johanne,
I apologize I apologize for asking you to Homecoming. You don't even know me. How could I expect you to answer? My foolishness tells me that

Dear Johanne,
I apologize. I apologize for asking you to Homecoming when you don't even know me. I am ashamed to think that you like me less because of it.

Dear Johanne,
I like you. I have ever since I first gazed into your bright, beautiful, baby blue eyes. I asked you to Homecoming because I like you. As the blind man, I stumbled. Instead of waiting until the 9th grade dance to ask you, I jumped the gun, and got shot/
eyes are baby blue. they are ocean waters on a hot day, the winter breeze. The carribean. /
It's late. I'm Tired. I'm sleeping Now. Bye.

10-09-1996 About School, Confronting Claire, Melissa's Letter, and Just a No good Really Bad Day

I have just read the saddest poem. later, I shall copy it inot here. It is so depressing.
About School
He always wanted to say things.
But No one Understood.
He always wanted to explain things.
but no one cared. So he drew.
Sometimes he would just draw and it wasn;t anything. He wanted to carve it in stome or write it in the sky. He would lie out on the grass and look up in the sky and it would be only him and the sky and the things inside him that needed saying.
And it was after that that he drew the picture. He kept it under the pillow and would let no one see it. and he would look at it every night, and think about it. and when it was dark, and his eyes were closed he could still see it. And it was all of him. And he loved it.
It was funny about school. He sat in a squre, brown desk like all the other square, brown desks and he thought it should be dead. And his room was a square, brown room. like all the other rooms. And it was tight and close. And stiff.
He hated to hold hte pencil and the chalk, with his arm stiff and his feet on the floor, stiff, with the teacher watching and watching. And then he had to write numbers And they weren;t my thing. They were worse than teh letters that could be something if you put them together. And the numbers were tight and square and he hated the whole thing.
The teacher came and spoke to him. she told him to wear a tie like all the other boys. He said he didn;t like them and she said it didn;t matter. After that they drew. And he drew all yellow and it was the way he felt about morning. And it was beautiful.
The came and smiled at him. "What's this?" she said. "Why don't you draw something like Ken's drawing? Isn't that beautiful?" It was all questions.
After that his mother bought him a tie and he always drew airplanes and rocketships like everyone else. And he threw the old picture away and when he lay out alone looking at the sky, it was big and blue and all of everything, but he wasn't anymore.
He was square inside and brown, and his hands were stiff, and he was like every one else. And the thing inside him that needed saying didn't need saying anymore.
It had stopped pushing. It was crushed. Stiff, like everything else.

I cry when I read this poem. It was found after the suicide of the author - at the age of 17.

This is the most depressing thing I've read in a long time.

Today I asked Claire:
Q:"Why did you break up w/ me?"
A:You liked me more than I liked you, and I couldn't go on like that.
Q:"You said that you hated Man of La Mancha. Was that because of me?"
A: No. Anythign that reminds me of 7th grade is depressing.

Apparently she too is seeing a therapist. I feel so sorry for her, she is so depressed. Here is the letter I wrote to Melissa:
October 2, 1996
Dear Melissa, I miss you. I miss you a lot. Your absence has left a great emptiness in my life. I feel lonely, every day, when noone walks into my room to see me. I feel lonely at school without you there.
Ever since you left, I have been sad. Very sad. I have been so sad that I cry nearly every day. I'm not trying to guilt trip you, I just wanted to tell you how I really feel.
I feel like there is a gaping hole where you used to be. I feel empty, insecure. Scared. Sad. I wish you could come back forever, but I know that's impossible.I love you.
You are the most important person in my life. I just need to tell you that.
With Love Always,
Daniel Hoffmann.

Pretty nifty huh?
Nifty: another word from my all-too happy past. Oh yeah. I'm going to Homecoming. What a drag. Heather and I are going as friends. doesn't that suck. All those happy couples that are going to be there, and me. It makes me depressed Just thinking about it. Aew Man!
BTW- Today was my 2nd day of therapy. I guess it went well. Home coming. How depressing. I know I'm gonan break down. I remember now... for the first time in a long time... breaking down during Homecoming in 7th grade. I believe that was when Heidi turned me down. ::sigh:: oh man. Why me? Why? It's all Questions.
Who the HELL Am I fooling? Thinking of Claire's answers, it pisses me off. at what I'm not sure. But I remember one of the last times I was with her as her boyfriend. Disney land: way back in bus. last day of school. I was trying to fall asleep on her shoulder, and I heard Kerrie (or Nui) say "Are you two going to be together forever?" "I hope so." replied Claire. I think that was the last time I saw her as anything more than a friend. God. I feel sick. I feel betrayed. Kicked in teh shins, punched in teh face. Kneed in the groin. Damn. Life in General sucks. I am a Lame ass. She didn't ever "really" like me. Hmph. 5 months. damn it all to hell. Shy me?!? Wanna hear something else? Something Really Disturbing?!?
Read ondear Reader, the horror that awaits you is not for the faint of heart.
Dear Daniel ->
You are my best friend and first boyfriend if you haven't noticed. in other words, you are the first person who ever cared about me. My whole(?) life I have been looking for a guy like you and thankfully never found him (J/K). I will always remember Man of La Mancha and two faces yours and my executioner. You are a great friend, and always mek me happy "when skies are grey."
That was Claire's entry into my yearbook. I fele really bad. It all sounds so positive, and yet when Summer started, "Sorry, I'm busy today." "Sorry, I'm iceskating today." "Sorry, I wanted to see that movie with my family." Damn it! She probably never really liked me, or perhaps she realized at last minute that I suck. humph. I'm not so sure Shawna "really" liked me either. Damn it. Doesn;t this just suck so much? "I didn't like you as much as you liked me." What the hell does that mean? Did I like her too much? did she simply not really like me?Was it my fault? Was it her fault? Why do all these crappy things happen to me? And now it's "I don't think so." turned down by Johanne. I can live with that. We don't even know each other very well. We've had one conversation, two actually. Hmm. that first day she approached me ot talk to me. That might mean something. but that was 5, almost 6 weeks ago. She has probably changed her mind about me. She doesn't even smile when I wave any more. God Dammit! What's wrong with me? Why? I'm not going to ruin my chance with Beth. I actually want to be her friend. That's all. ::sigh:: the way Heidi turned me down. wow. She started with a compliment.
"You are a really nice guy, but..." Then she simlpy dropped it on me. If, or when I ask Johanne to dance at Homecoming, if she says No, I'll retreat farther into my protective, self-destructive ball of self-pity. If she says "OK." I will be amazed, and then if immediately following, she... who cares? I'm not even important enough for her to waste her time preparing a special turn-down for me. After all, if "I don't think so." is good enough, then "get your uglyness away from me. Just having you near me makes me sick." shouldn;t be too hard for her. Another interesting fact. During Comp. Lit 2, today, I lookd at Katy's profile (see second or third entry) and found out that she is 1 day older then me. I said that in French, and she said "You looked at my profile?" w/ a tone that implied that she didn't want ME to know these things. I made up some B.S. , and she said whatever. Awe Man. This sucks. I'm going to break down at homecoming. I know it. Homecoming means dancing. Dancing menas depression, or it means that amazing happiness and oneness that I felt with Claire, that I'm now sure she didn't even feel. I remember she used to read to me from her Diary. I'm so sad. I truly miss being loved. Or do I? If i'm not sure I have ever been loved back.
I cry. I cry because of change.
I cry. I cry because things stay the same.
I cry. I cry because I miss her.
I cry. I cry, because I love her.
who is her? I think it is Melissa, but I'm not so sure. If it is Claire, then I'm really screwed, as she stated that there were 2 things she didn't want to be asked. and I only got one of them. I can assume the other was that she didn;t want me to try to make ammends and ask her to Homecoming. Yeah! Therapy is fun! Zap me with a cattle prod, I'm all out of juice. ::sigh::

10-08-1996

Well, the Race is on!
The hollow has auditions in one week. So far, 7 men, 5 male parts. I have ot beat out this Brian Guy, a sophomore, and either chris Meador, or Alexander Phillip James Montgomery III, but not really. My best bet is Chris Meador, because although he is a good actor, he's directing the student produced play, so... I dunno.
Beth is nice. I want to be her friend. This girl, I forget her name, started a conversation with Skip, and now he thinks it's a big "positive sign," and will probably ask her to Homecoming. she will probably say "NO." and skip will be crushed. ::sigh:: Not my Problem.
Tomorrow, I am going to ask Claire aome questions. Those have been plaguing me since Summer, 2 years ago.
caio! gotta read the play!!

10-07-1996

Well, it being 1st period, a monday, I have already seen Johanne once. She is wearing some blue eyeshadow. What is the occasion? Is she going to ask soemone to Homecoming? Is she trying to attract the attention of a particular whom she wishes to ask her? Is it just because? who knows? I want to not care anymore. I want to give up, admit defeat. I can't. A lne general, who's army has been crushed, hesitates to call the retreat due to hesitation from a thought: anything's possible. I know I can;t sway her heart. Who can? Maybe noone. ::sigh::
My straight Jacket might not get here on time for Yosemite. I'm not sure they ordered it yet. ::sigh::
Well, My Straight Jacket hasn't and will not be ordered for a while. ::sigh:: and, during P.E. David P. and I needed a partner, and there was only one other group who need a partner. There was one person left.
Erin Whyte. When asked abou tjoining our group, she said "I'd rather be with the girls." Like me and David were some kind of disgusting animals. that bummed me out the rest of teh day.
-later.

10-06-1996

Well, this weekend was very nice. I spent the night at Geoff's, saw Sissy (geoff's sister), and rode Dooey. I also upgraded earthlink, and got my october virus defs. for NAV. Damn. I'm pretty sure I'm not over Johanne yet, and ... ::sigh:: I miss seeing her. Those Eyes. Oh well. I'm an ugly, lame, immature, foolish, goofy teenager w/ a problem w/ my self esteem. Will she ever feel for me, the same as I feel for her? Almost certainly not. Will anyone ever care for me? Almost certainly. Why am I the only one I know who is bothered so greatly by their lack of an S.O.? I'm probably just immature. Oh well. time HealS ALL.
-Ciao!

10-04-1996

Today was actually a good day. Although I an not completely over Johanne, ::sigh:: those eyes! I have a second prospect for the dance. Beth. I don't know her very well, and I see a possible friendship here. I dunno if I should take the risk. Additionally, Daryll's character is done. a mage. Skip too is a mage.
Oh, who am I kidding? This isn't my year for romance. ::sigh:: If only I knew why.
why did Claire dump me?
Why doesn't Johanne want to go to Homecoming with me?
Why is Shawna always so obscure?
What is my problem?
::sigh::
I'm sure this is all my fault.

10-03-1996 Turned Down for the Dance

Damn. This Sucks. Although Homecoming is 17 days away, I decided to ask early and get it over with.
"Um. I don't think so." she said. She didn't say it wth the intent to hurt me, but she said it like she meant it. Oh Fuck it!! Noone will like me. I'm ugly, I'm a coward, I'm lame, I say stupid things.
Why did I ever think she might say yes?
She's over there right now, talking to some guy. She's outside school, in that place behind the fence, in front of the tree that I so rarely see her in. Damn... My life just lost a hell of a lot of meaning. I feel like wearing as much clothes to school as possible. Damn. Since the first moment my gaze turned to her beautiful, baby blue eyes, I have been pretty much captive. Now set free, I long for the shelter and hope that captivity brings.
Like desert, with the last tumble weed blowing away. that is how I feel.
-at home 30 minutes later-
"but I do like you." I understand it all now. Mr. Garfield says girls don't like hurting guys. looking at shawna, it's apparent. Looking at Johanne, it isn't obvious. ::sigh:: Wheras the comment from the twisting labrynth mouth of shawna isn't very welcome, any words of comfort from her would be eagerly accepted. ::sigh:: Starving for appreciation, yearning for acceptance, I'm slowly dying.
"Hearts and thoughts they fade. fade away." -Pearl Jam.
-or Live.
I'm sure I'll get over it, but as the fourth week draws to a close, and I am shut out by a drawstring pulled tight, I wonder: It can always get worse. It may be another 4 crap weeks before it gets better. I believe it took me over a Year to get over shawna the first time, and that started all over the next time I saw her. ::sigh:: Life Sucks.

10-02-1996

Happy October 2nd!!!
Today is janet's birthday, and Mr. Garfield's wive's birthday. I've been saying that all day. Oh well.
Today is my first day of therapy. Yeah. I've been looking forward to it. Maybe my cluttered life will unclutter itself. Just maybe. I want my life to be simpler. I want my life to be easier. I want someone to love me.
-ciao for now.
Well, It's 10:00. I've done all my H.W., Geoff has showed up with his wholesale Halloween Costume magazine. $11.50, and face mask for $14.50. Wow!!!
Dr. Gero says I should write a letter to Melissa, I've already written it, perhaps tomorrow I'll copy it over.
G'night.

10-01-1996

really tired last night. first day of October! so far it sucks. It's cold. I'm depressed. Skip has 2nd lunch.
The day sucked. until I got home. once I got there, I did my 1 homework assignment, and rode Dooey. It was fun. It made my day better. I found my Timothy chicken Learns to Lead Tape, which was dubbed over as NIN. I miss Melissa. I want to Role Play. I want to be a madman again.
"but I don;t want to be among mad people."
"Oh, but you can't help that. almost everyone's mad here. as you can see, I'm not quite all there myself."
-Alice in Wonderland