09-30-1996

1st period monday. My back hurts. I've got nothing to day. All I want is to feel loved. All I want is to be loved. I am so young. I long for the maturity and views of an adult. I know I cna only get then by developing them now, and after I get them, I will wonder where my innocense went. or something.
sen.tient: adj. capable of feeling
franklin language master
Who says humans are sentient? Why are we so mighty among other animals? I dunno. I'll put it aside for later thought.
Where has it gone. I'm already so old. Where did my happy fuzzy innocent youth go? I dunno. I miss it. I wish it would come back.

09-29-1996: Reflections on this hobby

Well, Sunday night. a filling weekend. I didn't write yesterday, because I spent the night at Geoff's.
Also yesterday I rode Dooey (sp?) for the first time off our property. It felt good. I want to start riding. Hmmph. This is my last "Real" notebook page. all my others are makeshift.
I'd also like to celebrate my 40th written page. that which was stated is now being printed, and with due recognition, it is being honored. wow. I never thought I'd write this much. 21 days ago, this began, perked by anxiety and an urge to do something. Wow. I haven't learned shit. (addendum)-> last comment, thought upon I have learned about rejection by a true love and by a crushee. I'm on a f#@!!*! roll. Humph. Later this will be scoffed at.
Hi me in a few years. Today is the day I began studying Mage the Ascension. Just pointless crap to write. ciao!

09-27-1996

Well, so far today hasn't sucked. It's been pretty good. but ina few minutes we will read some love poems, and I will probably cry. I'm getting kind of sad just thinking about it. I'm concerned with skip. His parents are over controlling and strict. Or at least from what I hear. ::sigh:: Not my problem. Not my problem, I can't help him.
I talked to Melissa last night. I miss her. She's got a lot of stuff to do. She also wants purple highlights.
I wish life were simpler. What makes it complex? Our Human minds I guess. Either That, or our society has gotten so complex, that we spend all our time trying to "Behave" properly, that we don't take care of ourselves.
-5mins of English.
I feel like shit. Cold. empty. The cat is out. I let him out. :sob:: It was an accident. He's not going to live. ::sob:: I'm sad. Damn. This sucks.

09-26-1996

I cried today in English. It made me realize a few things. I am depressed. I actually cry every day. Hmm, I've begun crying now. It's cold, empty. Yet warm and comfortable. I will not have a girlfriend any time soon.
Claire just visited, she was concerned about why I was sitting alone. OK. People care. But I'm still crying. Still empty, still compressed. Still slightly warm. why do I cry so often? Johanne isn;t going to the dance. Did I help to make her decision? probably.
Drip, Drip, Drip, Drip. the hose next to me reminds me of myself. Pitiful. Helpless, Hopeless. Basking in it's own self pity. Damn. This is depressing. Yet strangely comforting. 18 days, and 34 pages ago I made a commend. "Oh! How I shall learn from This." I've learned how cold peopel can be, and That's all. I wasn;t anywhere near as depressed then as I am now, like a garbage bak on a windy day only half filled. I need a hug. next ->
Well, Claire, Nui, and Kerrie just came back. But they left. I feel better. The air is salty, the breeze is cool, but the warmth is fighting to come back. I hate the warmth. the warmth is me. a part of me. It has won. ::sob::
I'm in french now. We just took a quiz. I probably failed. I got the words right, I'm just not sure about the endings. Oh well. ::sigh::
The day got better. In chorus, we laid down and rested. I was happy, until I made an observation that Heidi was shorter than me. I would have sworn that she was taller last time I saw her. I told her, she got mad, and then I felt bad, and began to sink back into depression.
We just ook a History test, and I think I did pretty well. ::sigh:: Skip's dad won;t let him R.P. till he's on the honor roll. Skip isn;t going to listen to him. I hope this doesn't turn out badly.

Hey! guess what!? I'm depressed. The Dr. says so. He thinks it's because Melissa left. It might be true. I miss her so much. I get to meet w/ a counselor. Hmm. Things could get better I guess.

09/25/1996

Well, Skip has asked Michelle to the dance, and she said she was going to a different dance. Hmmm... ok, me say after done. cough. He also asked if it was good that she said she loves him when he gave her $2. Hmm. This reminds me of Skip's 16yr old chick last year. He told me he dumped her because she was dumb as a post. Much later he confessed that she actually dumped him. Well, I wish him luck, poor guy, I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend for more then a week. Oh, wait he has. but she said that she didn't think he could dump her. She he dumped her. Go fig. Weird Skip. I hope things go positively between Johanne and I, assuming things go at all. ::sigh:: How awkward. Shawna didn;t call today. Oh well. She was shocked to hear those words. She took such time to select her sentences, it's either she does this a lot, in which case I'd know why, or she didn't really want to hurt me. ::sigh::

09-24-1996 Confronting Shawna

What's wrong with me? I'm pretty sure I like johanne again, and I want to stabilize. JUST ONE. Why 2? (actually I'm in love with one, and I like the other (that's a contradiction in terms. I'm in love with Shawna, but it kind of hides it's self If I don't see her for a while. I think it's because every time I see her, I get more evidence against her liking me.)) Now I want to call Shawna. I get butterflies in my stomach even thinking about telling her how I feel, and I know it must be done, preferably before the dance on friday, and before Johanne gets a date. I don't like her as of this second, but. ::sigh::.
I want this to end. Oh well, Shawna's not home. Oh, wait, yes, she just called me back. Oh, nope, she's gonna call me later (uh huh, right).
Oh yeah, today was teh first Drama Club meeting. The fall play is The Hollow by Agatha Christie. A Murder Mystery.
Well, Shawna's on the line as I write. ::sigh::
Well, I just made the announcement to shawna. I'm still confused as hell, she said she wasn't ready for a commitment, blah, blah, but she had to finish it off with "But I do like you."
WHat The Hell? Now, I'm still confused as hell, and I'm so confused. Shawna is so, so, so, so - confusing.
Why can't she give me a straight answer? I know what she means, I think, but I want to hear her say "I just like you as a friend." Is that so hard? Damn, teh female I'm in love with doesn't like me back. well, when Johanne says no about the dance, I'm gonna break, crack, cry, and whither up and die inside. I got my F#!@ hair cut, damn. I wish it was long again. Women don't really think I'm cute, they just think I'm weird. Shoot me in the kneecap. Stick a fork in me I'm done.
::sob::
Hmm. What if she says yes? That doesn't even mean she likes me. ::sob::

09-23-1996

Today was an above-average day, I didn't even want to cry. It seemed to me like I got over Johanne, but I'm sure it's just because I saw Shawna a few days ago. When will I work up the courage to tell her how I feel, and what happens? I know it would simplify my life. Wouldn't it? Hmm.
How would I put it?
Oh well, shawna can't talk past 10:00, it's a school night. (I just learned that)

09-22-1996

Well, shawna didn't call today. I want my hair long again. It was fun. Oh well. I had a lot of homework. I got most of it done. It's so much work. ::sigh::

09-21-1996: Ice Skating Heart Break

Oops. I didn't write yesterday. Today, I'm going to see first wives club w/ shawna.
I'm nervous. I don't know what will happen. Will it rekindle my feelings? Will it prove that I like her as a friend? Will she confuse the hell out of me? I dunno, bu tI'm gonna find out.
-later-
Well, I saw the movie, everything went well. Afterwards, she asked me to go iceskating with her. all fine and dandy. Might she possibly like me? Huh. Yeah Right. I went to her house, and then she called about 7 of her friends to come too.
She didn't pay much attention to me after that. She occasionally flung me. yeah. but she spent most of her time with Justin. Skating while holding hands, hugging. the one couples skate, she selected him. That's when I cried. huh. I'm crying now too. she broke my heart. It felt liek my heart was ripped out by fish hooks, and then shattered lke glass as it was crushed by the sledge hammer. Damn.
THEN to confuse the hell out of me, right before I had to leave, she was holdingmy hand, gave me 2 hugs, and said she'd try to call tomorrow. That seems like she likes me. But it goes back to the dance. ::sob:: Today SUCKED.
I also hate my hair. It's a pain in teh ass, although I recieve many compliments, it doesn't make me cute. My life sucks. School is hard, girls think I'm weird. Awe who cares? I do. ::sigh::
Call is long nights while I stare at the wall, I ask myself over again. how did I end up in this little hell? how did it ever begin? Helpless to turn back the clock that ticks on with it's cruel shining face. It laughs while it watches my every disgrace. I was born a sap, all the nurses laughed when they saw me the first time, they giggled and said this poor little monster is better off dead. Helplessly trapped in a body, I'm sure should have never been mine. I bet that my real one is doing just fine. And I don't belong here, I don't belong here. I should be quite rich, with a big shiny car, a house with 12 rooms, I deserve to go far! Helplessly falling in Love, what is Love? That lasts through the night. to Love and to honor, to kick and to bite. And I don't belong here, I don't belong here. It's all of the state, I was destined for greatness. A leader, a prophet, they're just too blind to notice!! How did this whole silly story begin? it seems that my mind has gone blank. It seems that I've messed up a chapter or two, perhaps it's best if I'm frank.
-Oingo Boingo (Helpless)

09-19-1996

Intoxicated with the Maddness. I'm in love with my saddness. Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms. the fashion victims to the jungle truth. I never let on that I was on a sinking ship. I never let on that I was down.
You Blame yourself, FOR WHAT You can;t Ignore, You Blame yourself for wanting more.
-zero
smashing pumpkins.
Today didn't suck. I called Shawna, 'cause she didn't call last night. She couldn't talk. She'd "call me back tomorrow." uh uh, sure. She doesn't care about me. not really. As for Johanne, what am I supposed to do? I'm going to ask her to the dance, but what will I do when she says No?
I feel like crap, and am not happy. (duh!)
::sob::

09-18-1996: Most Important Memory

December 10, 1993. Sixth Grade. Under the grand oak, upon the orange bleachers. She sat, talking to a friend. I approached her, nervous. The air was crisp, the sun was bright. She said she liked me. That is teh most important memory I have. And that day still effects my life. Does she still? Do I still? What if she never did? I dunno, but sometimes I wonder. Hmmm....
-later-
Well, today was picture day. It went OK. Johanne asked me why I cut my hair, I told her it was 'cause I wanted to. I passed right by her a few times, waved, but she had no response. ::sigh:: Shawna hasn't called yet, and it's 9:00. May be I should stop looking for love, and love will find me. hmmph.
Well, day went as usual.
It mostly sucked.

09-17-1996: Rain, Rain

Rain, Rain on my face. It hasn't stopped raining for days. Rain rain on my soul. It hasn't stopped, I'm losing control.
And if I can't swim after 40 days, losing my last breath on the crashing waves, lift me up so high that I cannot fall. Take me over. -unknown artist
So far, I'm depressed. I realize that I don't have the power to make Johanne like me. At least not with a smile each day. ::sigh::(lunch)
I still have the rain, rain song stuck in my head. I'm depressed. the males in my class are (generally) so immature. Justin and Chris Ahn were asking me which gender I was. I gave them the finger, but I know I shouldn't let it get to me. ::sigh::
I've also realized how bad Ms. Marshall is at teaching music. ::sigh:: I hope this year doesn't suck, but it looks like it's heading in that direction.
Much Later->
Shawna Just called me. She was at Santa Monica for the past 5-6 days. She sounded like she was going to cry when I told her I cut my hair. She wants me to teach her how to play Magic. ::sigh:: I don't know if I can see shawna again w/o falling in love with her again. The wrench was just chucked into the broke clock.
Problems.
I Like Johanne.
I don't think she likes me.
School is hard, boring, and I get too much homework.
Shawna Doesn't hate me.
I am beginning to like Shawna again.
Skip is depressed.
Skip can't afford a makeover.
The girls pretty much think skip is lame and funny to laugh at.
::sigh:: I wanna go see Dr. Hedman.
::sigh::

09-16-1996

Well, as it is a monday, I went to school. Pretty much everyone liked it, except for Chris Yeung, who said I looked more like a girl, than ever. Ethan and Justin said my hair looked like Ms. Kimbles. Alex said it makes me look cute. I paid katie her $10 back, and it was a good day. A lot of girls said it was a good haircut.
I saw Johanne a lot today, and she smiled every time she waved. I wonder if she thinks I'm cute? I hope so. She's standing out in front of school, next to two boys. Probably just a coincidence. I hope she doesn't have a boyfriend. Well, actually ::sigh, I DO like her:: if she isn;t going to like me, (Destily thing) then I hope she... nope. If she did then she could have her heart broken. Why, if love is such a dangerous thing, Do we Pursue it?
-later-
If you go through such mental torment (in the long run) why do you torment yourself to bring more torment upon yourself? Because it's human Nature. Humans are pretty screwed up creatures.
If I say I can, I can. I can. "Join me. Join the Dark Side." Not exactly a pickup line, but... I lost my train of thought. It's a nice quote to have in here I guess. Wow, It feels so good to have a reason. I feel like there is a big could of... warmth in my chest. It will probably go away if I find out Johanne isn;t interested in me. ::sigh:: I can only hope.
I told Heather about my crush on Johanne, and now I feel guilty about Shawna. I'll stop feeling guilty once Heather knows about the apple and my theory. I think she knows about the apple. Hmm.
Well, I wanna know who Skip likes. Oh, BTW, I wanna give Skip a makeover. I don't want to personally do it, but he needs one. Mostly he needs new clothes, Jeans instead of short shorts, and plain, or cool t-shirts. No Free Advertising T-sirts. Hmm...
I hope I can sway Johanne's heart -fore the dance.
-ciao!

09-15-1996

Well, I did nothing today. Jesse came over, he didn't ike my hair at first, but at the end of the day, he didn't mind it. I also sent Duke Nukem' 3d to Chris O. Melissa and Aunt Linda & Uncle Gene also left. Oh yeah, Shawna wasn't home today either. I haven't talked to her for 4 days. It seems like 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to school tomorrow. I hope Johanne thinks I'm cute. She probably won't, I can't make it look as good as the salon people did. ::sigh:: see ya

09-14-1996

Today was a good day, I didn't even have to use my AK.
Today, thanks to Katie and Liz, I have a new Do. Katie took me to the ritz to get a $45 haircut. It's worth it, and I have been told that I am cute. I even got ::gasp:: highlights.
I like my hair. I got it cut, 'cause I was tired of my old hair. One step closer to my goal: a girlfriend. If Johanne thinks I'm cute. I think she's beautiful. ::hopeful sigh::
that's all folks!!
g'night

09-13-1996

Friday the 13th has turned out to be a bad luck day after all.
Johanne has left, being with the football team, and gone to a game 5 hours away, where she is (I believe) sleeping there, and returning saturday. ::sigh:: This means no smile during lunch. But I waved, and said Hi during Homeroom (we have auditorium on Fridays, Mr. Esparza is Her teacher) and she waved back. No smile, she looked preoccupied. ::sigh::
Today, Skip, Judy, and I have a game of Vampire after school until 5:00. It's going to be fun. ::sigh:: All I can think about is Johanne. I need to study my speech for Emglish. -till later.
Well, it's later, and I'm writing again. I miss Johanne, I feel weird and Hypocritical to say that cause I don't really know her, but I wish I could have seen her smile one last time today.
the game went O.K. I didn't get as far as I planned, but it never does.
Aunt Linda and Uncle Gene are visiting. I like them, they are nice.
Today was just another day. another fight. another battle. another war. I used to be a strict optimist, always happy, things are cool. I'm being converted!! I don't want to be a pessimist.

There's life in the ground... I feel it all around, I feel it in my bones. My life is on the line, when I'm away from home. When I step out the door, the jungle is alive, I donnot trust my ears, I don't believe my eyes. I will not fall in Love. I cannot miss the bed, 'cause hearts are fragile toys, so easy for forget.
It's just another day, there's murder in teh air, It drags me where I walk, I smell it everywhere. It's just another day, where people cling to light, they drive away their fear, that comes with every night. It's just another day... -Boingo (Just another day)

Well, during Dinner, the topic about the web, and the "materials" you can get off of it, came up, so I have finally deleted everything off of my PC. Every .GIF, .JPG, and bookmark. I'm glad it's off my chest. I feel liek a better person.
-later... I'm depressed. I need a girlfriend. I want to like Johanne more. I would love to completely fall for her, but I'm realizing that the rejection would suck so much, that... OH, I like her!! I don't want her to reject me!! I wish that I had... no, If I had more classes w/ Johannem I'd be so distracted I'd fail all of my classes.
Being in 9th grade Sucks.
Awe man, I can't believe my mom accused me of lying in front of Aunt Linda and Uncle Gene. about the stuff on the net. I wasn't. I said I stay away from garbage on teh net, and I do! There was a time when I didn't, but that was months ago. ::sigh::
Well, Alanis is playing again, ::sigh:: I want to call shawna.
She ain't home. BIG suprise. I did my public speech today, It went well, except for the end.
I would liek to be cute, like Alan Gaskill. He got his name mentioned in teh assembly 'cause the girls think he's so sute. ::sigh:: I want Johanne to like me. I am reminded of lily(my one and only) all the time.

09-12-1996

Today, being the third day, and the twelvth day, in the ninth month, in the 1,996th year of teh 21st century, it wasa pretty odd day. I like all my classes, and I went to school liking Johanne as much as ever. We had an assembly, and she sat next to me, probably out of no choice of her own, there weren't many seats left. At lunch, I waved, smiles, and said Hi. She smiled and waved, this always makes me feel happy. I'm not sure when, but sometime in the day, I lost all hope, and gave up on Johanne. I think it was during the assembly. When she waved, I melted, and reformed as mopey and crusty as ever with the realization: How else is she going to react? I was sad all day, until History, when I realized we're in school. She's not supposed to be looking all over the room. She made a few glances in my direction, which means that she probably saw mw looking at her, but I can only hope that wasn't the only reason she looked back. ::sigh:: but it probably was. Well, after this, I realized that she's known my existence for 4 days, and I should be patiend. ::sigh::, (smile) When she waves to me at lunch, I melt just thinking about it...drop...drip...drip...
Silly, i know I'm silly
cause I'm hanging in this tree
in hoping that she'll catch a glimpse of me -Smashing Pumpkins -lily, (my one and only)
I've got to practice my 2 min public speech about public speaking.

09-11-1996

Well, today was fairly uneventful. I'm playing football in P.E., and I'd rather be playing volleyball. I didn't have any time to talk to Johanne today. She was talking to Ms. Prentice today after school. For cheerleading I suspect.
I've just read that "History is Bunk," according to Henry ford. I've been told that Mr. Fry will make a big deal about it.
Hmm, Let's see if History is what is required before a changeling can cast a cantrip. or not. I don't feel like it any more.
I feel depressed. I just talked to Shawna. It was a long conversation compared to our others. Almost a minute. I'm sure she doesn't like me. It would make sense. She figured it out when I gave her the apple, and now she's trying to avoid me. ;;sob;; She never liked me. She probably liked me in 6th grade. ;;sob;; I'm so sad. she said she'd call me back. Yeah Right. Hmm. I could make it direct, by the next time I call her, when she says she'll call me back, I can say: Yeah Right. I can take a hint (or out right rejection). You won't hear from me any more. and hang up. See if she calls back. If not then I'll break down or something. If she does, then, well, I dunno. ;;sob;;
Since she doesn't really like my hair anyway, I might as well shave my head or something.
the 8th grade dance is in 16 days. If we are allowed to go, I want to ask Johanna (Duh!). ::sigh::
She'll probably say no.

I'm falling, but there's noone to grab onto.
The pint-sized pickled prankster
fights for who should get the credit
while visions of the past weep by me
tearing at my soul.
Why me? WHY ME! Why me? WHY ME! why why why?
I'm falling, but there's nothing to grab onto.
The Mirror-Light bulbs dance around my head,
the vision is so awful.
Why did she hate me so?
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

::sigh:: Not very good, but it's kind of how I feel.

09-10-1996

I believe this is going to be a good year. I've been to physics, and English so far, and physics sounds fun, and I am going to Love english. Mr. Garfield is so cool. Unfortunately, Johanne isn't in any of my classes so far. ::sigh:: well, there's 5 more.
School has just ended, and I am Happy to say that she IS in one of my classes. she's in my history class. I thought she was also in my P.E. class, but she is takign cheerleading, so she gets a study hall. My heart dropped as I saw her walk out. ::sigh:: I guess I should get used to it.
well, as she left today, I said goodbye, and waved. Either she was ignoring me, or she didn't see me. She made a sideways glance, and kept walking... hmm... I see her sitting, waiting for her ride, and I wonder if I should talk to her now, or some other time. She's pacing, she looks bored. Should I do it? um, uh, um... why not?
later-> well, I approached her, sat next to her, (she's twice as beautiful as she was the last time I saw her) and had my first meaningful conversation with her.
She came from Town and Country. She said it was a horrible school, but she missed it. She said she was kind of embarrased to be a cheerleader, because cheerleaders have a bad reputation. I told her about the media thing, and how I had just recently learned better. She asked if I played sports, I said no, and we got into a conversation about which sport it would be worst to carry the ball around for a month. (The water polo players have to hold the ball evertwhere they go or 500 pushups). She agreed with me on bowling, and then she said it would be annoying to carry any sort of ball w/ you anywhere you went. I agreed, and said that if you played golf, you culd just tape teh ball to your elbow. She looked at me weirdly, and said that I should do that (sarcastically). (Hmm. I wonder why Shawna would have laughed and agreed? It isn;t very funny, just weird. Hmm.) We started talking about siblings, she has a step brother, he's like 24, and lives in vermont. I said I had never been to vermont, but I had driven to colorado once. She said she hates long car trips. I told her to try to take one next to an older sibling, and there would be blood shed before it was over. I probably shouldn't have said that.
She was waiting for her from from LCHS, and St. Francis, 'cause they were going to McDonald's. I can't help but wonder about that guy from St. Francis. I want to find out about her relation to him, is she his friend, or ::gasp:: girlfriend? Oh, this is so confusing.
I want to talk to Shawna again, but I'm going to be strong.
She said she wanted to actually call me back, so I'm giving her time to do it. ::sigh:: this whole predicament is so confusing. Actually what is the predicament? let's Recap.
I think I have a crush on a girl. she might have a boyfriend. Meanwhile a goddess might have a crush on me, but I dunno if I like her anymore. ::sigh::
So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say. - Dave Mathews Band
::sob:: Alanis Morisette is playing on the radio. that alwasy makes me think about Shawna. ::sigh::
Should I talk to her about this? or should I hope this ends Happily, and soon. w/o any major conflicts before telling anyone? I dunno.
When I was younger I didn't need to fret over anything like this.St. Francis was a High School for only boys. I never figured that a girl I liked might like someone from there. OH THIS SUCKS!!!
I want to talk to Shawna, but I don't want to... I DON'T want to what?! I might like her again, and like johanne as a friend. OR I might like them both. ::sigh:: Well, I'll just screw myself over, 'cause I really miss shawna.
-Jared's on the other lime w/ his grandma. She said she'd call me back, but will she?
Every single time I look, somebody else has beat me to it. Someone else betrays my trust, I really don't know who to trust. -Boingo, Burn Me up
Can I ever be Happy? I was happy befor eI went out with Claire. I had accepted that noone would ever like me. then she did. Why? why did she have to do it? It made me very happy, and since she dumped me, over a year ago, I haven't been truly happy. I've bene living in a depression. Not a deep one. but a depression noe the less. the depression is 5ft deep, and 17 ft wide. Actually, it did let up once, but then, more acurately, I went Shawna's house, and amid the many strange happenings that night, I got the notion that she might like me. That screwed me over. ::sigh::
It's 10:34, and she hasn't called back. ::sigh:: Perhaps my over-reactive heart just made me THINK that she liked me. AWE FUCK. Noone will ever like me any time soon. probably because If I keep this up, I'll be a loner, and stay away from all girls, or other human ineractions.
{Deep Down I wonder: Is she my}
{type? what is my type? Do I want}
{a girlfriend who will look at me}
{strangely everytime I say some-}
{thing weird or stupid? That's a}
{lot of weird looks. ::sigh::}
Psychic Prediction: I think you're a nice guy, really. I'm jsut not ready to date yet. ::sigh::
But, if my prediction is anythign like my previous ones, somethign else will happen.
::sigh:: I miss Johanne. I remember her face. :). ::sigh::
And I don't wanna die. I'm as innocent as anybody, I don't even know how to spell Revolution, Mary-Jesus. In the sky, the bullets and the guns, you don't even know what we mean by repression. Blood is the color of the sunset. You walked into the Darkness. I did not hear your last breath. There will not be an inquest. This is not Human Interest.
-Frente!.marvinthealbum.cascatlan
::sigh::     ::sigh::     ::sigh::     ::sob::

09-09-1996: First Day

Why is it, that why you make eye contact with a person, you immediately look away? Or am I the only person who does that?

I talked to the other girl today, her name is Katey. Scratch her off the list. When I introduced myself, I realized that I had done so yesterday, and she replied coldly and reminded me of those "not so Happy" girls that band together to make my life miserable.

I wonder if Johanne and I have any of the same classes. Hmmm... I bet Johanne thinks I'm some kind of weirdo, because whenever I'm looking at her, she looks up and sees me staring. She only thing I can do, is quickly look away.

-New Thought- Damn! We have so many books! This might suck. Hmm... Seeing Johanne now, I see her wearing the outfit of an FPS cheerleader. Well, perhaps it isn’t as bad as I thought. But... Maybe it is. I am continuing my quest for knowledge about her personality, despite the "bitch" stereotype of cheerleaders.

Ridin' High on a Deep Depression- Well, I was never interested in those types who would be cheerleaders. If she got on the cheerleaders' squad, then she must actually be pretty to others, but I think I already knew that. This is what cheerleaders do- they jump up and down, stick out their chest & butts for all nearby males to gaggle at. I never really cared for that type. -OR- she could be a dance-type person and have taken it for the dancing part of it. Oh, I am so confused. She most likely won't like me anyway, and thinks I'm some kind of freak. I kina am. (Another reason to like Shawna- she's an actrice like me (I'm actually an actor, but who cares) and we get along). I feel so out of place Here. I have my friends, but I want...

The Pulp Fiction song is playing. All I can think of is her. What is wrong with me!?! I don't even know her. ::sigh::

-later- Well, I just saw her perform. It looks like she's been practicing. ::sigh:: Why did Claire dump me any way? The world may never know. Well, it is the first day of school. Maybe I should give it time. But I'm so friggin' impatient. ::sigh:: Patience is a virtue. Maybe I should talk to her. She might think I am a nice guy, or she might tell me to stop staring at her like a moron and that she's got a boyfriend. {that wouldn't surprise me. But it would crush me.}

-later- well, she talked to me, and she asked me if I was new. I said I wasn't new, but told her the story about the cup I won when I was in 7th grade. I couldn't think of anything else to say. She smiles, and she said she was hot, she was gonna go sit in the shade. She might like, or be thinking about liking me After all.

A man with a pickle has an idea. The Idea becomes popular. The Idea becomes The Institution. What was the Idea? Since Johanne asked me why I wasn't playing any games, and I wanted to "impress" (god it looks lame in retrospect) her, I did the Pickle throw, despite my hatred for pickles. I didn't do too bad, but I don't think throwing a pickle further w/ my mouth than the next guy is what impresses girls. (call it a hunch). Hmm... Am I moving too quickly? I dunno, but I think I like her. (PANG!!)

This is what I predict will happen= I will like her, then see Shawna, and like her, I wish I could just tell Shawna that I can't see her anymore, OR, I could pretend that I never liked her, and just be friends. Even if I don't. #1 will probably occur. Let's find out! BTW- My idea of a stereotypical cheerleader has been shattered. Heidi, a friend of mine is also a cheerleader. Shame the media, and a few our eggs created a bad stereotype for me to learn.

-later still- Well, I am certain it's a crush. But I could be wrong. I hope she will like me. Hmm... I said those same words in 6th grade about Shawna. I said it every night, and now I feel like a hypocrite. It was 3 years ago, but... hmm... will this turn out like Heidi? I had a crush on Her in7th grade, in the beginning. She made it clear, but in a nice way, that she didn't want to go out. Hmm... Somehow I have a good feeling about this one. But now that I've said that it probably won't work out, or will it? ::cough:: but back to the point. I am not going to ask for "Divine" intervention on this one, or so to say. I am gonna try it all by my self.

-News 2 Me News Flash- I was laying down, wondering Why? Shawna has just about everything better than Johanne. Why did I like her better? Then it suddenly occurred to me. I've known Shawna since kindergarten, I know her too well. It would feel weird going out with her. ::sigh:: another sad assumption that Johanne will like me. Although she isn’t as pretty as Shawna, I still think she's near the top of the list.

[in Hard Rock Tone]

THANK YOU FLINTRIDGE, GOODNIGHT!!

09-08-1996: Pool Party

Today was the back to school party. One girl, I'm not sure who, the first one I saw asked me if I was a friendly guy. "I guess so," I said. She was cute. I felt pangs of guilt every time I thought that. There are two girls so far that I am kind of interested in. Johanne, a short freckled faced brunette w/ shoulder length hair. I thought she was cute (pang!). The other, I'm not sure of her name, but she was a small brunette w/ hair a little longer. She was a little smaller, and thinner. She too was cute (pang!).
-Conflicts-
I am feeling more positive about myself ever since I believe Shawna started liking me. I thought she was the most wonderful person I knew. Now, and since sixth grade, I could look at her and say, "She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." I do like her... A lot. But I would like to see her more often. Once every 2 - 3 weeks won't do. In 6th grade, I slapped myself every time I looked at a girl anywhere but in the face, and I still do that. Other guys think it's weird. I just think it's rude too look at women in inappropriate places. Anyway, I need to find out soon whether Sienna likes me or not, and Fret about it.
If she does, then I'm happy, and depressed about not being able to see her.
If she doesn't then put a fork in me I'm done! I'll be depressed, confused as hell, and free to try to win over Johanne or that other girl.
Unfortunately I don't think I have much chance. After all, they are cute, and can have anyone they want, so I'm pretty much emotionally screwed.
(Oh, how I shall learn from this!)
I want to learn more about Johanne and the other girl, though I kinda like Johanne better. (I think I like them because my Ideal of what a woman looks like is as follows -
Shorter than me. Long, brown hair. (Cough)st size doesn't matter, although huge ones I don't like. And a beautiful face. The face is the most important part of a woman's appearance. To me, at least. (Shawna fits ALL of these well. + I like her personality, although she's horrible w/ returning my calls. I think she's wonderful... or do I?